I have been trying to figure out why I am feeling off today. As I sit here, I digest my last 5 weeks since school started. The first few weeks, I was trying to find my footing at school and hoped life at home would roll on as normal. Now I feel like I have established a routine or system at school, although still feeling a bit lost at times. But I look at my weeks, and they are filled with teaching, Jeremy working and sometimes gone for work, school, ballet lessons, and other obligations. My weekdays end in a panicked rush to get kids to bed. And I feel like I am just trying to survive. My Saturdays are filled to the brim, scrambling to clean in the two hours before rushing Ellie to ballet, grabbing groceries during her 45 minute lesson, and speeding home to finish the rest of my to-do list.
And the 30 minutes in the van with Ellie to ballet today was filled with a constant barrage of her “reading” Nancy Clancy and Ready Freddy. After she had just finished saying, and I quote, “Whew! I am so tired of talking. I am glad I can have a break!” (… she had been playing school prior to ballet.) The 30 minutes home was filled in the same manner. And I wonder, When did her stories become an assault on my senses instead of entertainment and a sense of awe at her creativity? And I think it happened when I gave up part of my motherhood to working.
I don’t dislike my job. In fact, I had a great week – the best week this whole year. I even feel like I have maybe turned a corner in building relationships.
But, there is a trade-off. I lost my time to be with my kids – to be present and not be hurried. I can only imagine what it would have been like this year with two in school and me at home. I imagine I could have all my cleaning and errands done, so Saturday could just be enjoyed. I imagine that I could welcome them off the bus with a smile and a hug and be ready to listen to their day, instead of turning in my work chair in the classroom, hugging them, and trying to wrap up my last thoughts for the day. I imagine that while there would still be homework to squeeze in, I could have at least prepped supper to ease the stress of the night. I imagine that I would have been able to get a walk in and exercise instead of feeling a bit of bitterness of the loss of “me” time.
But I suppose if I talked to stay-at-home moms they would say it is not that idyllic. That there is still stress, even when kids go to school and you stay home. That while the day may be a time to get your work done, the end of the day is still a panicked rush to fit in chores, play, homework, meals, showers, books, snuggles, and bed.
It is just an adjustment right now, a transition. Something I always struggle a bit with.
You probably wonder, “Hey, where’s the fun you mentioned in the title??” I get it. I got off on a tangent. I realized as I was going to post that these things are bits of goodness that are squeezed into the days of our otherwise hectic life. And it makes me appreciate it all the more.
So, for the goodness that abounds through pictures (and probably a lot of missed because I didn’t take a picture)…
A friend’s birthday party – sleepover themed party, complete with pizza and pajamas!
Flowers from Jeremy just because
Getting together at Grandma Yoh’s house to catch-up with Aunt Lisa from Texas, taking pictures with Aunt Marianne and Erin, and turning SnapChat into a bonding experience with Aunt Diane.
Having an impromptu leftover buffet lunch at Luke and Steph’s house with Ben and Steph after church last Sunday. I was craving this family time and didn’t even realize it til it happened. We hung out til 5pm just being friends and family. The kids (Lilli, Madison, Ellie, and Landen) just played like cousins do. It was rejuvenating. I am thankful once again for family.
Right now, I am thankful that Jeremy and Gloria took the girls to Lehman’s fall fest so I could recover from the last five weeks of life. It gave me time to read, work a bit on school, and digest and process life.
Thanks for reading as I write. This has become my outlet, my memory keeper, and my journal over the past 10 years. I appreciate those who walk the journey with me, whether I know you are there or not